Comments on Dating is Warfare: A Roomful of Faces

Oh so now I understand the kind of comments that y...

2009-10-15T05:11:24.715-07:00

Oh so now I understand the kind of comments that you are making reference to!

As you know, people, by their very nature love to meddle, interpret, advise and figure out what they perceive your 'problems' to be. And whilst this is a space for you to air what’s figural to you in the moment, I don’t get a sense of you asking people for their advice, guidance or opinion.

Please remember that people who have opinions about what you should and should not do with regard to WG have their own stuff going on and have their own unique ways of reacting. My best friend recently told me that she would dump her boyfriend if he hung out with his ex girlfriend on a Saturday night – something my boyfriend did a couple weekends ago. She made this statement with absolutely no information or understanding of the context, relationship or environment that this situation occurred in. It was a fixed reaction based on her past experiences with men and with her parents. My point is; because one woman would dump a guy who hasn’t proposed after a couple of years, certainly doesn’t mean that them advising you to do the same thing means anything other than that. They’re not in your shoes, never have been, never will be, hell, they have never even met you!!! So, it’s actually completely irrelevant what they think you should do. But people will always want to have their say, I guess all you can do is be aware of how you react to their responses. And like someone else mentioned, you could always keep it as a private blog if that makes the environment a bit safer for you.

I frickin love your blog!! And it poses a lot of important questions for me about my life as a 30 something woman without children, without a husband but in a healthy and loving relationship (albeit surrounded by married couples with children!!!). I got so excited when I got an email alerting me to your new entry and although I am only a very recent convert, your entries do inspire and entertain me no end!

So keep up the good work in whichever medium you choose to present it in and when you choose to make this blog into a book, I for one will be happy to buy a copy!

Kate

urgh... can you sort it out and not be hurt by som...

2009-10-12T14:02:16.264-07:00

urgh... can you sort it out and not be hurt by some comments?
And since WHEN did 'not married' become the equivalent of 'romantic failure'???

Just follow your heart (as much as you can) and don't EVER listen to people who tell you to break up with someone you love (I think this type of advice only applies in relationship where some violence is involved). It is you and only you knows the situation!!!

Now I tend to agree with both first comments :) and yes, remember guys are very literal... when we think they know what we want and think... we might be wrong.

I read your recent twitter comment about thinking ...

2009-10-11T22:07:57.316-07:00

I read your recent twitter comment about thinking about ending the blog. We would all greatly miss you, but would certainly understand your need to stop writing if having this blog is making it harder for you to be happy in your life. If the problem is caused by the negative commentators, perhaps you might prefer making the blog private, so that you can explore your feelings in a safer community. I hope that you make whatever decision is best for you and that you are happy or find happiness soon.

Take care!

Hey - Elizabeth here again. I popped back in and ...

2009-10-11T19:45:44.162-07:00

Hey - Elizabeth here again. I popped back in and saw some of these comments and am wondering how you're doing. I couldn't take this kind of feedback. You allow us all into your lives and some of us can really empathize, and others just judge. It makes me wish I actually did know you so I could call you up like I would one of my girlfriends and have a little bitchfest about it all.

WineGuy sounds great, and committed to you, and loving. And perhaps a little freaked/stuck/whatever about commitment. But if you're happier with him than without him then that's all that matters. Trust your instincts and trust him.

And I'm sorry that you get some of the comments you do. I feel like I have lived so many of the same experiences as you are currently living, and I know that these remarks would hit me very hard and stick w/ me in an damaging way - which is ridiculous when we're all strangers. But we're human, and judgmental remarks about things we're already worrying about can be very hurtful.

I hope you're ok, and all of this is just trivial noise. It sounds like you have a great circle of friends so hopefully they're handling the "venting/bitchfest" necessities! :-)

Take care.
Elizabeth

Hard to say what Wine Guy is thinking. What bothe...

2009-10-06T15:29:20.141-07:00

Hard to say what Wine Guy is thinking. What bothers me is that the subject seems to be a taboo topic between you. How uncomfortable.

If it were me, I would break up with him. I wouldn't give an ultimatum at all - you don't want to be married to someone who doesn't have a great desire to marry you. I would just say that it's obvious you are in different places and you need to move on.

I wouldn't allow someone to keep me hanging like that.

The divorce rate is not really 50%. It is also ve...

2009-10-06T15:24:35.143-07:00

The divorce rate is not really 50%. It is also very dependent on socioeconomic status, i.e. college educated couples only have about a 20% divorce rate.

Very well said PT. I concur, and hope that you DT ...

2009-10-04T13:43:41.748-07:00

Very well said PT. I concur, and hope that you DT and WG move forward into mutual contentment with the status of your relationship.

DT, my sister used to be like this, before she got...

2009-10-03T19:04:01.437-07:00

DT, my sister used to be like this, before she got married. She was hypersensitive about anything related to the fact that she was the eldest (and unmarried) cousin. Basically, she was miserable being single. And it showed, because every last tiny reminder of her romantic failure, while others were (or at lease seemed) successful, was intensified in her head. I think you are over-reacting because you so long to be married and WG isn't taking any steps in that direction.

I wonder: Is the fact that you are living together without plans for marriage going to erode your love for WG? Are you going to start to resent him? He cannot be too oblivious to the fact that people his age get married. Why are you not at the point at which you move forward? WG will date you, he will live with you, but he won't marry you. It is clear that this is a distressing situation for you. I don't mean for this to be an upsetting statement, but you yourself seem to be increasingly bothered by it. What will need to happen for you and WG to make a decision on your future, which seems to include three possibilities: marry, split up, or continue in this barely-tolerable limbo.

PT

Okay. Some relief. But really, marriage is such ...

2009-10-03T15:26:22.382-07:00

Okay. Some relief.

But really, marriage is such a precarious institution under the best circumstances, that no one should exert pressure on anyone else to marry. Is 50% still the number for the failure rate? At any rate, pressure of that kind is bound to make the unmarried feel uneasy. Hope you have recovered.

Mimi, I am 1000% sure my mom didn't plan any of he...

2009-10-02T15:32:51.592-07:00

Mimi,
I am 1000% sure my mom didn't plan any of her birthday festivities with this scenario in mind. And, as predicted, she read this blog entry and was less than pleased with it, especially thinking that anyone would think she would do such a thing. So just want to set that record straight.
--DT

Oy. It crossed my mind to wonder if this whole th...

2009-10-01T13:06:47.857-07:00

Oy.

It crossed my mind to wonder if this whole thing was set up for that purpose...To clarify: did your mother want a face-reader in order to get that word "marriage" out there in front of you & WG?

Well, only she can tell.

At any rate, I totally understand your embarrassment; and also, yet once more, I'm really impressed by WG. Now I know you don't tell us all about him, and you're honor-bound, as I remember I think from another post, to keep him generally looking good. So WG or whoever that guy was sounds lovely and dear. But hey if anybody ever wants to know what the term "society" means, as in, "the impersonal pressure of society," you got it here with these yentas.

I hope I never do that to anyone. Ever.

So hang in there w. WG but keep a bit of distance between you & the yentas.

Ouch! That sounds painfully awkward. I just finish...

2009-10-01T12:45:52.064-07:00

Ouch! That sounds painfully awkward. I just finished reading this book, and it helped a lot in the middle of pre-engagement limbo--at least not to feel so alone! http://www.amazon.com/His-Cold-Feet-Guide-Woman/dp/B002N2XECE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1254426279&sr=8-1

Whew!!! First of all - I get it. All of it. Y...

2009-10-01T06:45:10.148-07:00

Whew!!!

First of all - I get it. All of it. Your reactions may feel insane to you but I think they're actually pretty normal - a complicated mix of your anxiety, hopes, fears, protectionism for WG, agreement w/ and appreciation of the support from your family but horror at having it said so blatantly and fear of WG's reaction to that, public embarrassment, etc... I think you're completely normal! (Or else I share your insanity because I have reacted the same way - though I don't know that I was subjected to quite so public and overt a test.)

I think you're right to see the bright side of this, but you might owe WG a more complete explanation of your reaction. Guys are SOOOO unbelievably literal, and so rarely likely to connect the complicated and interwoven dots that underlie our emotional reactions. And we're likely to vocalize the more negative, self-protective stuff - rather than the truest, most raw, fear driven emotion. And it's the truest stuff that he needs to hear (probably) to understand what you're feeling in a way that lets him respond positively.

So I agree - this is positive. And I empathize - that was a NIGHTMARISH scenario. Thanks for sharing though! (As you can tell, I totally relate!)

Keep us posted...
Elizabeth