tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9100957653847131636.post243629563393055150..comments2009-05-26T09:59:10.881-07:00Dating Trooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16295405140701372825datingtrooper@gmail.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9100957653847131636.post-90710583962854147742009-05-26T09:59:10.881-07:002009-05-26T09:59:10.881-07:00Previous Anonymous commenter,<br />Though I certainly didn't intend it, perhaps my behavior with my friend was self-centered. But for those who know me well, as this woman does, this is not who I am deep down. Perhaps I made a mistake. We all do - I'm only human and completely fallible. But a true friend (at least in my world) doesn't just stop speaking to someone when they take a misstep. If there is a true connection between friends, you talk to them, tell them how they hurt you, and give them a chance to apologize and, if necessary, make amends. Then if they continue to disappoint, you have more of a reason to give up.<br /><br />Blonde Mom never once gave me that chance. One, looking back, I believe I would have taken.<br /><br />I've thought a lot about this and, having read comments from people who passionately agree and disagree with how I handled this situation, I think the answer lies with the very first comment from Melissa - the friendship just wasn't what I thought it was. We were on different pages. It happens and no one is the bad guy - at least at heart.Dating Trooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16295405140701372825noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9100957653847131636.post-5695764778757007602009-05-25T15:53:16.565-07:002009-05-25T15:53:16.565-07:00I think perhaps what the first anonymous commenter might have meant was that, in your real life (off blog) you might be approaching these friendships/relationships a little self-centeredly (not sure if that's a word). After your email exchange with your friend it is not surprising if she doesn't want to follow up with you - i'd frankly never want to speak to you again. I'm sure there are many things we don't know about your relationship and history with your friend, but it's hard to be all that sympathetic with your situation after seeing how you handled this.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9100957653847131636.post-524384179377626602009-05-23T00:09:45.554-07:002009-05-23T00:09:45.554-07:00News for you anon,<br />the world<br />does<br />revolve<br />around<br />you<br />when<br />you<br />write a<br />personal <br />blog.<br />Duh.<br />That's<br />the point.<br />Go read<br />a history<br />book or <br />something.Dating Trooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16295405140701372825noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9100957653847131636.post-28413226363524306572009-05-22T20:10:51.011-07:002009-05-22T20:10:51.011-07:00the <br />world <br />does <br />not <br />revolve <br />around <br />you<br />dismissedAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9100957653847131636.post-12165748020761533962009-05-16T18:09:00.000-07:002009-05-16T18:09:00.000-07:00dt,i'm late reading this post [well, late in terms of blog time], but i wanted to say how TOTALLY i sympathize with you. ABSOLUTELY TOTALLY. i don't have any wisdom to add, but perhaps it will help just to know that i've been in similar situations many times. i don't think i've ever been the 'blonde' to anyone else. i just know exactly how irritating and painful and difficult this kind of situation is.<br /><br />and i remain really really glad you have WG in yr life...mimi of 'sexagenarian and the city'http://sexagenarian07.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9100957653847131636.post-89775481607852969172009-05-13T16:36:00.000-07:002009-05-13T16:36:00.000-07:00I am also the anonymous "nudge" commenter from two posts down. I forgot to sign my name! <br /><br />If you haven't discovered it already, I suggest reading the happiness project blog.<br />http://www.happiness-project.com/<br /><br />The good thing about it is that the writer, Gretchen, is very analytical (as are we all) and also perceives herself as somewhat snappish and quick to anger. So her advice is helpful to those who are frustrated by outside forces. It's also very easy to read. <br /><br />One piece of her advice is "let it go." This is not unlike "get over it." The advice seems infuriating when someone tells it to you, but reasonable when you tell it to someone else.<br /><br />Be well and take care of that hip!<br />JACAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9100957653847131636.post-22149928520725470012009-05-13T08:32:00.000-07:002009-05-13T08:32:00.000-07:00Thanks guys for taking the time to read this lengthy dissertation.<br /><br />JAC - Though I don't agree with some of your observations, a few really hit a soft spot - always a sign that there is some truth there.<br /><br />This post hit on two issues - my sadness over losing a friendship, and my frustration at not being at the mommy stage myself. And that is a bit of a head scratcher to me (and my mother) as well. But I don't plan on being in this no-man's-land forever. Enough said.<br />Thanks.Dating Trooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16295405140701372825noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9100957653847131636.post-59500973661598787702009-05-13T00:01:00.000-07:002009-05-13T00:01:00.000-07:00DT, you are hyper-emotional, which is what I like about you, but to be fair, let's look at things from the other side.<br /><br />I am going only by what you wrote, which I am sure omits a lot. <br /><br />As far as the plans: Maybe she felt overwhelmed to host you two. Did you volunteer to bring Chinese food or pizza, or was the plan that they would make or buy dinner? Maybe the house was a mess and she was embarrassed. Maybe she cancels all her plans that involve anything but the baby. Maybe she is exhausted every night and wants to just sleep.<br /><br />Facebook: To expect her to reply to a wall post -- well, that is an awfully low bar. Whether or not she does reply is not significant. Facebook is a collective thing anyway. A wall post was not a private communication between you two that she didn't respond to. It is an internet etiquette issue, not a diss. It's more of a diss if she doesn't reply to your phone calls than if she doesn't reply to a wall post. Clearly, she is responding to other people's wall posts, but so what. In some ways, it is less important to respond to you personally because she knows you already heard the news via facebook. <br /><br />Pregnancy complications: She is dealing with a serious health issue (hey, you are familiar with that, hip girl) and your reaction is not "what a terrible ordeal" but "me, me, me -- she should be thinking about me and telling me her news before telling anyone else." Maybe in fact posting on facebook is her way of being able to spread the news more indirectly instead of having to confront it personally with everyone she knows. I know someone whose baby died in an accident, and she didn't want to talk to anyone. She actually preferred to just post stuff on her website and not answer individual e-mails.<br /><br />Your note: It is extremely accusatory toward her. It would have been much more caring had you said you heard her bad pregnancy news, you were sorry you were unable to connect through dinner, you really want to see her when she is feeling well enough and you will do whatever you can to help. From her reply, she seems to feel you were accusing her of things that were not true from her viewpoint.<br /><br />This is really telling: You perceive yourself as a single, childless woman. You are NOT single! You are living with a man! If you are living with a man and consider yourself single, then that is a whole separate issue and, frankly, a real head-scratcher.<br /><br />I think it is common to get tied up with the microdetails and minutiae of our lives and then suddenly time passes in huge chunks. But I think you are overanalyzing this. Remember, I have only what you wrote to go on -- I do not have Blonde Wife's side of the story.<br /><br />DT, I also have had friends dump me, and it does not feel good. And although I think you are overreacting, I don't mean to insinuate you are not entitled to your feelings. But reading this posting, I was surprised at your lack of insight. Could you be blinded by the distress coming from the fact that you so want a baby, and WG is not moving in that direction?<br /><br />I say this all to be helpful toward you, not to be mean, because it really seems that you could use some more objective views that let you envision some alternate realities from those that exist in your own head. Sometimes my own head is not the nicest place to dwell, so I myself like to hear alternate views, which sometimes even make sense.<br /><br />Be well, JACAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9100957653847131636.post-36361755472914066512009-05-12T21:56:00.000-07:002009-05-12T21:56:00.000-07:00Had a similar thing happen with a close friend before the days of Facebook.<br /><br />We used to work together, and then go home and call each other and still manage to have things to say after seeing each other all day.<br /><br />She was married and we managed to keep the friendship even after she had a baby and eventually moved to another state. We were friends through the next baby and her going back to school to get a masters degree.<br /><br />But when she went back to work I jokingly said "It was nice knowing you" because I knew her life was going to become so busy between the long commute, the kids, and everything else. She just laughed it off.<br /><br />Well, guess what, the calls became less frequent, then months apart. I think she was the last one to phone, but I wasn't home. Then even more months go by and she sends an e-mail that had a tone of trying to reconnect. I answer and don't get an answer back.<br /><br />So I eventually send an e-mail questioning if she got my earlier e-mail and she answers back saying she hasn't been a very good friend these days.<br /><br />Then she sends one of those funny e-mails people forward to their friends. I send a reply and . . . nothing. I try again. Still nothing.<br /><br />Just like that, it's over. In the meantime, she was building a new house and with the total halt in communication, I now have no idea of her address or home e-mail. All I have is a work e-mail and I'll be damned if I am going to send e-mails to a person who can't even respond with a sentence.<br /><br />Never saw this coming. It's been years now.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9100957653847131636.post-57712018447318108242009-05-12T15:56:00.000-07:002009-05-12T15:56:00.000-07:00aww man I understand so much it hurts :( It is so painful to see friends become distant, even more so when the reason is not obvious.<br /><br />I saw my sister go from the "I" to the "we" step when she had kids. I was young and I didn't like it at all. She's back now, many years later (the third kid is 12). I think not every mother goes through that though (certainly mine did not hahah ok not funny).<br /><br />I probably also lost myself in my relationship at first, for a few months... so I am guilty of the same thing. I am back too. I don't think I would have said something as insensitive as your friend did, but who knows? Maybe we are very blind in times like these...<br /><br />I know I hurt some of my friends a lot. I had to work hard to gain their trust back. They hurt me in return. Now finally it feels good again. Things take time but when real friendship once existed, it can come back.<br /><br />All this very long comment (sorry) to say: if your friendship was strong, it will flourish again. In the meanwhile, heal your soul and live your life as happily as you can... is there anything we can ever do?Life On Edge.http://www.blogger.com/profile/02958348600372118224noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9100957653847131636.post-9230289679220704542009-05-11T16:10:00.000-07:002009-05-11T16:10:00.000-07:00For some reason, your story reminds me of adultery. I have a firm belief that when a husband cheats, it's not the "other woman's" fault, and in a way, it isn't the husband's fault either. It's just that the marriage wasn't as strong as everyone had hoped it was. <br /><br />I think maybe this is how it is with your old friend. It's not really motherhood that is the problem as much as she (sadly) probably wasn't as good a friend as you'd hoped she was. I understand how you may feel sad for losing a friend, but I think WG is right to encourage you to move on -- grieve first -- then move on.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12331630836829380123noreply@blogger.com