Comments on Dating is Warfare: To Friends and Foes

www.wayneandtamara.com

2009-11-23T18:49:53.114-08:00

www.wayneandtamara.com

2009-11-23T18:49:22.893-08:00

www.wayneandtamara.com

Well, I love your blog and I think its great that ...

2009-11-12T13:12:14.037-08:00

Well, I love your blog and I think its great that you arent quitting. When something feels laborious its always good to step back, so kudos to you on that.

As you know, I understand the ups and downs of anonymously putting your life on display for people to see/judge/enjoy/whatever.

Always Reading,
CeCe

p.s. "It's all true, but it's not Truth" I could not have said it better.

There is a fourth option too. Some people have ha...

2009-11-11T12:27:00.219-08:00

There is a fourth option too.

Some people have had such a bad experience in a previous marriage or a bad relationship, or maybe their parent's marriage, that they're terrified.

I know a couple where she is about to turn 70 and he is 80. BTW, she is gorgeous. They've been married since she was 45 and it's a second marriage for both.

They've never made it a secret that they've always had a rocking sex life (even now). I always assumed that there was no hesitation to get married.

Well, she just informed me that after they dated blissfully for a year, she told him he had to make a decision or she was outta there.

He said "You're putting a gun to my head?" She said "yes". He was terrified because his first marriage was miserable and they never had sex.

But he took the plunge and both have been crazy happy ever since.

I once read a piece of advice that was wise when i...

2009-11-06T21:41:23.446-08:00

I once read a piece of advice that was wise when it came to the question of whether to stay with someone who wasn't moving toward marriage.

Basically, you have to determine if the person is genuinely against the whole institution of marriage - like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell who've been together forever.

If the person is against marriage, then it's not personal.

If the person is okay with the institution of marriage and just doesn't want to marry you, then you have a problem.

I would add yet a third option to that advice. Most men (and some women) will not marry until they feel financially sound, even if they are with the person of their dreams. So that's another thing to consider. That's just a timing issue.

I would also break up if I were in your situation....

2009-11-03T18:55:50.685-08:00

I would also break up if I were in your situation. During the time I have been reading your blog and you began dating WG, I have managed to date, find a man who loved me, proposed to me, and marry me. He was so different than other men I had dated. I just knew right away that he was the one, and I could tell that he WANTED to marry me. He would even joke, "Oh, when we get married, bla bla" and initially this kind of freaked me out, but it's actually nice. Some men DO want marriage.

I hope someday you can find what you have been looking for. WG needs to shit or get off the pot. I don't care what excuses you have for him. You have made parts of your life public, and he sounds like a total douche. That's just my opinion, though. :)

Hmmm. I have not read here in a while and just ca...

2009-10-22T21:21:41.557-07:00

Hmmm. I have not read here in a while and just came and saw this entry. Well, I was the one who said I would break up if I were in your situation.

It was not meant to be mean. A commenter said afterward that people who write such things have not been in your situation.

That commenter was wrong. I was in your situation and wasted a lot of years. My self esteem was also affected for a long time after.

Rather than being mean, I hoped that the comment would point out that you have worth as a person and your time is precious.

I did not tell you what to do. I told you what I would do and that is due to my own experience.

Sorry you were hurt; it wasn't meant to hurt. It did seem as if you were in a lot of emotional pain and limbo.

If the advice does not apply to you or how you feel, then just ignore it. I was going by the feelings expressed in your blog. But you know WG and yourself better than we do.

Here is the thing about other people: They like to...

2009-10-20T11:33:34.782-07:00

Here is the thing about other people: They like to dispense advice whether it is solicited or not, and it's always based on their own life experiences. For some reason, some people derive pleasure from offering their perspective on the lives of others...and they aren't always very tactful in the process.

I love your blog. I'm in a similar situation (relationship) and I behave (in dating situations) very similarly to what you describe in your writing. Nice to know I'm not alone and I wouldn't have known that if you didn't write your blog. You have the courage to put your "neurosis" on the web...that alone is impressive.

People will always have a need to unload their negativity onto others. Keep writing...every relationship is individual because it is made up of 2 individuals-each with their own set of issues, opinions, and behavior. Anything worth having takes hard work, so stay with the blog and if you believe in your relationship, then stay in it as well.

I am glad you are going to keep writing. I enjoy ...

2009-10-19T08:21:31.897-07:00

I am glad you are going to keep writing. I enjoy your blog, the frankness, the reality and your views.

I rarely comment, but read all your posts. Thank you for putting aside those who are not as kind with their comments.

Take care,
~Landmines

This was a very thoughtful and insightful post. As...

2009-10-16T16:09:51.299-07:00

This was a very thoughtful and insightful post. As for the whole photo frame or slice of life phenomenon, I experienced that in a court case involving an injury. It was a bizarre experience to see what these random strangers with whom I had very little association said about me.

One person, who needed to fill out some paperwork on the phone, commented that I had "a lot of problems." I found this woman to be really stupid. I used words she didn't understand, and she also thought I talked really fast. One doctor insinuated I said "this," when in fact I checked the "not this" box, and it was in front of everyone on the paperwork. One doctor said he really couldn't answer the questions in detail because he hadn't been paying too much attention, because he had his own life to attend to, not mine. I mean, duh! Of course I don't expect him to care about my situation the way I care about my situation. Another person lied under oath saying she "couldn't recall." Because if she could recall, they would have lost the case instantly.

It was VERY interesting and instructive to try to be dispassionate and unemotional, and see things through others' eyes. This was a very stark case of virtual strangers talking about me in court, and of me trying to wrap my head around all opposing points of view. It was like an out-of-body experience. These were big judgments made from very limited and in some cases very biased viewpoints.

This blog is in some way like that, with input coming from "dirty" sources, and I use that word in the medical sense. I think in many ways the story plays out the way the story plays out, and that's the bottom line, profound or unprofound. Even if you try to think about you and WG in the future -- where will you be in 5 years? -- it's impossible. You do your best, which is all you can do. And time will tell.

But, DT, you are NOT dismissed!

--PT

The distorted lens phenomenon I know very well. In...

2009-10-14T12:39:25.315-07:00

The distorted lens phenomenon I know very well. In my own writing I almost always sound sad, depressive or just simply dark, whereas in real life I am more often happy than not... But I don't write about the happy things, or very rarely, because, well, I guess they don't require as much analysis and I write about what I want to analyze further.

oh please please dont stop bloggin! even though it...

2009-10-13T17:06:34.237-07:00

oh please please dont stop bloggin! even though its not very often yours is my favourite to pop up in the reader. read it straight away.
i think what you go through is so common to many women, and helps others out there know about marriage, living together, etc etc.

Whoa, I should have spellchecked that first before...

2009-10-13T15:48:48.298-07:00

Whoa, I should have spellchecked that first before submitting...

Hi, I can't imagine there are people who post sim...

2009-10-13T15:47:03.065-07:00

Hi,

I can't imagine there are people who post simply for the sake of mean, although I am sure there are some weird bitter people out there in cyberland who feel safe insulting others behind the guise of a computer screen...

For the rest of us who either know you personally, or who somehow stumbled upon your blog once upon a time, and sort of hope to see your life have a much deserved happily ever after, it is comforting to see you truly express yourself.

You are right, only you know what is truly going on between you and WG, but as a reader who doesn't know you personally, I think the impression you give, or at least that I perceive, is that you and WG are in a relationship with vastly different goals. I think it is easy to pciture you subtley and maybe not so subtley dropping hints about a future with WG that involves marriage, the 2.5 kids and the white picket fence, and it is easy to picture WG either writhing in disgust at the idea of that kind of life or simply not understanding you and your wants and needs.

Therefore, it is very comforting to know that both of you do discuss marriage and that hopefully you both will get to that point someday. Like many others, I am rooting for you both out here in cyberland, and hope you do get your fairytale happily ever after.