Note: The "Trooper" in question is not actually in the military. It's a metaphor, people.

November 27, 2012

Digital Remnants

I never thought my Hulu login would outlast my relationship.

That's what I think every time Geek Rebel's name pops up when I go to my subscriptions. I have my own login, of course, but since I refused to pay for Hulu Plus, GR used his when we watched TV at my place. Now when I log on at home alone, I see his name and remember when I introduced him to the TV show "Wilfred" (the American version; he later turned me on to the original Australian) and felt my heart surge when I saw that he liked it as much as me. (I believe that the show is me in TV sitcom form. Take from that what you will.)

When we first broke up, I really struggled with whether or not to log out once and for all. I don't know his password, so if I took this proactive step, I'd be locked out of the Hulu Plus universe forever (yes, I'm still too stubborn to pay for it).

But I put it off until the inevitable moment when Hulu asked if I wanted to "stay logged on." Yes or No? Do I still want to remember that 8-month blip of a relationship? Sure, I was sad at first when he dumped me so out of the blue. Until I realized it wasn't out of the blue at all, but the right call for us both. It doesn't hurt much to remember that.

But it stings like a mofo when I think about what that relationship really meant to me --  my Hail Mary pass at the husband-baby-house life I'd been striving for over the last 15 years. (Yes, I know, "striving" was probably the problem. What can I say? Shoot me for wanting something and trying to get it, why don't you?) And now that I'm staring down the chamber at 40 -- the dream of that life about to be blown to bits -- I'm not all that eager to see Geek Rebel's name and remember.

When the Yes or No question came up, like I knew it would, I had a clear choice. And I chose Yes - I would like to stay logged on - even if it means a momentary stab of pain every time I navigate to the menu. See,  I like my Hulu Plus and, while I won't pay for it, I'm happy to take advantage of it those few times a week I actually have time to watch TV.

Deep down, maybe I wrote this post hoping just a little bit that Geek Rebel reads this blog (he did at least once during our relationship). Just like he was the one who took the action to end our "us," maybe he'll again be the one to yank away that last remnant of himself by changing his password. I can live with that. (But if you are reading this, GR, and feeling generous, by all means feel free to give me a reprieve.)

Geek Rebel also gave me a Google Nexus tablet. I'm happy to say that it carries no baggage with it whatsoever.