Note: The "Trooper" in question is not actually in the military. It's a metaphor, people.

October 28, 2010

Help Me Hallmark

The other night I bought a greeting card from the surprisingly small "Romance" section at Target. I originally made the trip to pick up a few last minute Halloween costume supplies, so I was surprised when I found myself drawn toward the store's disheveled wall of Hallmark sentiment.

I guess it makes sense since I had been thinking all day about how my year of "Believe Big" had so quickly shifted to "Just Survive." Stuck in my head, wrestling with every emotion from grief to rage --accentuated by ever worsening pain--I've become a different woman. No...a different creature; a Tasmanian devil of misery--and the world's worst girlfriend.

While I cry, complain, worry, and rant, I can only imagine (when I have the courage, that is) all that Wine Guy has done to protect himself, yet still stand by me.

Sometimes I'm angry at him for it -- why can't he just leave me alone to be with my misery? Doesn't he know this isn't going to get any better? Why is he giving me these inane pep talks when all I want is a hug? When I'm really low and wishing I could just run away from every emotional obligation, I sneak into the office late at night to browse apartment rentals on Craig's List - apartments just big enough for me, my dog and my cat.

So far I've been able to bring myself back from the brink. And lately I've been snapping out of it just long enough to see Wine Guy for what he is -- a man who's doing the best he can to endure this awful period, with his eye on a time in the (hopefully) near future when we can go back to enjoying our lives, and each other, again. And his sticking by me, in spite of all my nastiness, just might be the truest sign he's ever given that he really does love me. (God only knows why.)

So there I found myself, in the greeting card aisle, searching for an overpriced piece of folded cardstock that could convey to him my gratitude and my own sliver of hope that I will come back to myself--and to us. After some sifting through the corny flowers-and-candy type cards, I found just what I was looking for - simple but true:
So why haven't I given it to him yet?



onlinedating said...

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Anonymous said...

Because you aren't sure anymore.

how to get your ex back expert said...

You know when a guy loves you when he sticks by you during the tough times. It takes a special man. We women really need to encourage the special men in our lives. They take our abuse and still hang in there. Give him that card!!

Anonymous said...

I'm new to reading your blog and so much information in so little time. Don't get me wrong, this is a book in the making, but I get the feeling that you do not like this guy very much. It seems easier and comfortable to stay with someone then to be independent and work on yourself. Don't know you, but sad for you, in a been there, done that kind of way.

I say, find an apartment, work on yourself, then re enter the dating market. Once you fall in love, you will know, it's a wonderful feeling. No 2nd guessing, no craigslist, just dedication and wanting to make it work. Just my opinion, take it or leave it.

Anonymous said...

It's good to hear from you again, and praying for you as you get back to a renewed self. I'm glad wine guy is behind you 100%. I'm rooting for you!

Anonymous said...

It's really good to hear from you again. You have gone through such a difficult period. My boyfriend is going through something very similar right now, and I am sticking by him. Those moments when he (or you) snap out and become yourself again are the best gifts ever. I am sticking by him not because of vain hope but because I know him well enough to know that he will get out one day, and I am going to be there. You will, too! Keep on breathing!!

Anonymous said...

Ditto to all the "good to hear from you again" comments.

Don't forget that you're in your "afterworld". If you're finding glimpses through the fog of that to a place where you can imagine happier times that's all you can expect of yourself. Your world shifted on its axis and when it settles to rest it will be permanently changed. Hang in there and be kind to yourself. Try to be kind to wine guy also and just see where life takes you.

Though I don't know you I'll be thinking of you during the upcoming holidays and hoping you can find some peace and calm in what may be difficult times.


SororityMom said...

Nothing is predictable in love and life some say and I think that the real salavation for all of us is just to love. Come hell and high water, just love...and don't think too much......give him the card.

Male Enhancement said...

That is so sweet of you to pick that wonderful card, I know that you want to give a card that is so special. If you were to ask me, I will pick that card too instead of those flowers cards. That is really sweet. But why haven't you given it yet? :)

Anonymous said...

Hi DT - just thought I'd drop you a short note to say that I hope you're making it through the holiday season as well as possible. When things are horrible for me I keep a constant ticker of "it'll all be over in 1 week, 6 days, 5 days, 4 hours, etc...." to get through. I hope things aren't quite at that stage for you but I can't imagine that November/December have been easy.

I hope you're ok and that 2011 will be a year that brings some peace and a bit of lightness.

Thinking of you,

Anonymous said...

Hallmark cards has been known for its great and nice creation of cards and all the words behind it. If you will send your love ones a hallmark card because you had a fight last night then you will surely accept forgiveness from her/him. Marriage Agency

Extenze Male Enhancement said...

I originally made the trip to pick up a few last minute Halloween costume supplies, so I was surprised when I found myself drawn toward the store's disheveled wall of Hallmark sentiment.