Note: The "Trooper" in question is not actually in the military. It's a metaphor, people.

October 28, 2010

Help Me Hallmark

The other night I bought a greeting card from the surprisingly small "Romance" section at Target. I originally made the trip to pick up a few last minute Halloween costume supplies, so I was surprised when I found myself drawn toward the store's disheveled wall of Hallmark sentiment.

I guess it makes sense since I had been thinking all day about how my year of "Believe Big" had so quickly shifted to "Just Survive." Stuck in my head, wrestling with every emotion from grief to rage --accentuated by ever worsening pain--I've become a different woman. No...a different creature; a Tasmanian devil of misery--and the world's worst girlfriend.

While I cry, complain, worry, and rant, I can only imagine (when I have the courage, that is) all that Wine Guy has done to protect himself, yet still stand by me.

Sometimes I'm angry at him for it -- why can't he just leave me alone to be with my misery? Doesn't he know this isn't going to get any better? Why is he giving me these inane pep talks when all I want is a hug? When I'm really low and wishing I could just run away from every emotional obligation, I sneak into the office late at night to browse apartment rentals on Craig's List - apartments just big enough for me, my dog and my cat.

So far I've been able to bring myself back from the brink. And lately I've been snapping out of it just long enough to see Wine Guy for what he is -- a man who's doing the best he can to endure this awful period, with his eye on a time in the (hopefully) near future when we can go back to enjoying our lives, and each other, again. And his sticking by me, in spite of all my nastiness, just might be the truest sign he's ever given that he really does love me. (God only knows why.)

So there I found myself, in the greeting card aisle, searching for an overpriced piece of folded cardstock that could convey to him my gratitude and my own sliver of hope that I will come back to myself--and to us. After some sifting through the corny flowers-and-candy type cards, I found just what I was looking for - simple but true:
So why haven't I given it to him yet?

Dismissed.