Note: The "Trooper" in question is not actually in the military. It's a metaphor, people.

April 15, 2010

Only Child +1

Funny. Right about the time I decided to write this post (3 hours ago), Only Child's Facebook status went from "single" to "married." That's technically untrue-- there was a 6-8 month "engaged" period stuck in there-- but, well, we know what that means when we're talking about Only Child.

I knew this was coming of course. Only Child and I talk every six months or so and we're Facebook friends, which is how I learned they were engaged in the first place. When I found out, I immediately emailed him wry congratulations and he called back apologetically, saying he intended to tell me himself, but his fiancee had changed his status without his permission (uh, red flag?).

Perhaps you are wondering why I didn't tell you all about this major news. This is a dating/relationship blog after all, and Only Child has been a big part of my bitching and moaning these last three years (read this for the story of our "faux" engagement).

There are three reasons why I didn't tell you.
1. I didn't want to think about it too much because I was afraid to discover how I might react. I do most of my emotional processing through writing, so if I'm not writing about it here, I'm either avoiding the emotion or I just don't care. (I rarely don't care by the way.)

2. I didn't want my mom to know Only Child was getting married. Her knowing means me hearing her get angry at him all over again, which I can't stand because I don't want to hate him (though many think I should). Her knowing also shines a spotlight on another area I'd prefer to keep darkened-- that Wine Guy still hasn't proposed. My mom doesn't mean any harm. She just wants me to be happy and resents all people and events that get in the way of that. Unfortunately, knowing this doesn't make her reaction any less painful. (And now she knows anyway. Sorry mom, but you promised not to read my blog anymore!).

3. I didn't want to upset Only Child's bride-to-be (let's call her "+1"). See, OC and +1 have been together about five years. I even met her once when they both came to my birthday party a few years ago (during the brief Vain Guy era). Then Only Child made the mistake of telling her about my blog, thinking she would also find it to be a mildly amusing tidbit of information. He admitted he was surprised to learn that she immediately logged on read the entire blog, paying closest attention to all mentions of Only Child. Shows what OC knows about women. Honestly, what woman wouldn't do that? Men--a different story. Neither Only Child or Wine Guy read my blog, though OC might nowadays just to stay one step ahead of any potential +1 meltdowns.

And there were meltdowns, particularly whenever I wrote about how Only Child strung me along for six years, even going so far as to fake propose (hence, "faux engagement") and then let me set a date and buy a dress, cashing in the Israeli bonds my now-deceased grandmother gave me as a little girl to pay for it. I didn't intend to upset +1 (at that point I didn't even know she read my blog), but I suppose my posts were a VERY loud warning signal as she watched another year of her relationship with OC pass by without a ring. They even broke up for a time because he couldn't say that he would definitely marry her. Been there, girl.

When OC told me about this, I wanted so badly to vent about it here. But I just couldn't write knowing what havoc it would wreak on both of their lives. Instead, I would see Only Child at our semiannual sushi dinner (his treat, it's the least he can do), and listen to his continued indecision and +1's understandable frustration. All the while feeling like I should get a Gold Star for my lack of chick pettiness.

I always advised him to get married; that it was obvious he was just hoping she would make the decision for him by breaking up (or getting knocked up) and that this was the coward's way out. I told him that he's not the type of guy who's able to let go enough to be swept off his feet. Lots of men aren't. That doesn't mean they shouldn't ever get married. Plus, she sounded like a lovely girl who's pretty, sweet, doesn't get on his case (certainly not as much as I did), and obviously loves him.

I meant it too. I thought he should marry her, which is funny since I'd always told him I would kill myself if he got married before me. I said this because I never in a million years thought that would happen. And because if it did happen, I might fall into the abyss of depression.

See why I haven't wanted to think about it?

Don't worry. I'm nowhere near close to suicidal. I'm not even sure if I'm down about it. I mean, what does it have to do with my life anymore? Only Child and I said we would always be "family" to one another no matter what, but really she's his family now. And talking twice a year does not exactly signify a close relationship. Plus, I decided at the end of last year that I am comfortable with Wine Guy's commitment to me and the lack of a by-the-book marriage proposal doesn't change that.

It wasn't until I sat down to write this post that I realized I wasn't particularly upset. I just thought I was supposed to be- just like I think I'm "supposed to" have an engagement ring to show that I'm loved.

I will admit, their getting married within days of our anniversary that never was (April 8) -- in the same f*#king location (North Shore Kauai) -- stung. But then again, that just shows a lack of imagination--one more reason I'm glad I didn't marry him.

So I guess the real point of this post comes down to one simple thing. Now that they're married, Only Child and +1 are fair game. So +1, if you're reading this, I hope you appreciate the restraint I've shown over the past few years--because now that you've marched OC down that aisle, you are no longer a comrade-in-arms.

I suppose this means that if Wine Guy ever does propose, I'm fair game too. I think I'll choose not to think about that right now.



Anonymous said...

"I told him that he's not the type of guy who's able to let go enough to be swept off his feet. Lots of men aren't."

Until they meet the girl they just can't live without. Then they propose because they must seal the deal.

Dating Trooper said...

Anon - You nailed me on that sentence, which I debated over endlessly. I kind of agree with you and I kind of don't. Depends on the guy and, well, how long we are all supposed to wait around for if/when that potentially non-existent "right person" comes along. But yeah, good point.

mimi of sexagenarian and the city said...

But then there's also (and you only meet this type when you're a dating sexagenarian) the kind of man who proposes ** a lot **, like some of the guys I met. One had been married 4x, another 3x. Funny Guy has been married twice. So a willingness / an eagerness / a need to get married, lots of experience in proposing, is not necessarily a Good Thing either.

Okay in an ideal world there would be one (successful) proposal per person.


Anonymous said...

You have indeed shown amazing restraint! I'm glad the whole thing hasn't affected you as drastically as you feared it might - that is probably a sign that your current life is actually pretty great, "by the book marriage proposal" or not. Yay for you!


Anonymous said...

How long we are supposed to wait?

See, here's the thing. If you are currently stuck in a relationship that's not going where you want, then Mr. Right can't date you.

You have to be willing to let go of the "nothing" you have in order to receive the a potential something.

No guarantees. Courage is required. And the ability to open your hands and let go.

There is nothing wrong with wanting marriage. Don't stuff your feelings as if you don't have a right to the life you want.

In your heart of hearts, you want someone who wants to marry you with no hesitation - because you are Ms. Right for him.

Anonymous said...

Really - the thing you deserve the gold star for was finally getting out of that relationswhip ( even though it did play right into his passive aggressive plan). I disagree with Anon - the main reason this person married was because he was too embarrassed to do the same thing again. +1 is still with an ONLY.

Anonymous said...

Actually, Anon,

I'm the Anon you disagree with. You misread my comment though.

I did not say Only Child got married because +1 is "the one". I was responding to the comment that lot's of men aren't able to be swept off their feet.

But I do agree that Dating Trooper gets a gold star for ending it. I think anyone gets a gold star for opting out of a ridiculous situation.

Most of us will kick ourselves for not doing it sooner when we look back.

I'd like to see Dating Trooper not feel that dating is warfare at all. It's only warefare if we buy into that idea and allow our own mistreatment.

Personally, I've never regretted cutting the cord when something isn't right. It's done nothing but given me self-respect. There's nothing wrong with taking care of ourselves and not wasting our time.

Anonymous said...

Dating Trooper,

I thought of you today. I talked to a psychic at California Psychics. Yes, I know that will sound crazy to some people, but I know you've posted about one before.

Anyway, I've talked to them before, but there is a new guy there by the name of Leo that is amazing. He talks more about "you" as a person and what's going on with you.

He also taps into people around you and what's going on with them. My father is a problem in my life and he described him as if he'd been observing him for decades.

Also nailed a past boyfriend and confirmed my thoughts on what happened with no input from me.

I think he could give you the clarity you need.

Dark Cloud Nine said...

Marriage is very cultural. Love is not marriage and marriage is not love. And 50% of American marriages end up in divorces anyway. French people for example marry much less than American couples. Really, let's not mix the two.

Anonymous said...

50% of marriages do not end up in divorce. That statistic gets repeated all the time and is completely misleading.

Divorce is highly correlated with the couple's socioeconomic status. The rate of divorce for college grads is in the twenty-something percent range - and even that is after decades.

In order to even get high divorce rates, you have to collect divorce rates over decades. As the decades go by, obviously the rate increases. If someone divorces after 30 or 40 years, do we assume the marriage was never good?

You can google "divorce rates" and find the studies.

Anonymous said...

Hi DT,

I follow your blog and have missed you, and - in that weird way that can be possible without knowing someone at all - I wonder if you're ok, and hope that you are.

Just thought I'd let you know that you're missed, and this random stranger is wishing you well.


healy said...

go on with your life, love and live like your dying. forget the one who hurt you and take care of your kid. Stay a simple life and have fun