Note: The "Trooper" in question is not actually in the military. It's a metaphor, people.

April 15, 2010

Only Child +1

Funny. Right about the time I decided to write this post (3 hours ago), Only Child's Facebook status went from "single" to "married." That's technically untrue-- there was a 6-8 month "engaged" period stuck in there-- but, well, we know what that means when we're talking about Only Child.

I knew this was coming of course. Only Child and I talk every six months or so and we're Facebook friends, which is how I learned they were engaged in the first place. When I found out, I immediately emailed him wry congratulations and he called back apologetically, saying he intended to tell me himself, but his fiancee had changed his status without his permission (uh, red flag?).

Perhaps you are wondering why I didn't tell you all about this major news. This is a dating/relationship blog after all, and Only Child has been a big part of my bitching and moaning these last three years (read this for the story of our "faux" engagement).

There are three reasons why I didn't tell you.
1. I didn't want to think about it too much because I was afraid to discover how I might react. I do most of my emotional processing through writing, so if I'm not writing about it here, I'm either avoiding the emotion or I just don't care. (I rarely don't care by the way.)

2. I didn't want my mom to know Only Child was getting married. Her knowing means me hearing her get angry at him all over again, which I can't stand because I don't want to hate him (though many think I should). Her knowing also shines a spotlight on another area I'd prefer to keep darkened-- that Wine Guy still hasn't proposed. My mom doesn't mean any harm. She just wants me to be happy and resents all people and events that get in the way of that. Unfortunately, knowing this doesn't make her reaction any less painful. (And now she knows anyway. Sorry mom, but you promised not to read my blog anymore!).

3. I didn't want to upset Only Child's bride-to-be (let's call her "+1"). See, OC and +1 have been together about five years. I even met her once when they both came to my birthday party a few years ago (during the brief Vain Guy era). Then Only Child made the mistake of telling her about my blog, thinking she would also find it to be a mildly amusing tidbit of information. He admitted he was surprised to learn that she immediately logged on read the entire blog, paying closest attention to all mentions of Only Child. Shows what OC knows about women. Honestly, what woman wouldn't do that? Men--a different story. Neither Only Child or Wine Guy read my blog, though OC might nowadays just to stay one step ahead of any potential +1 meltdowns.

And there were meltdowns, particularly whenever I wrote about how Only Child strung me along for six years, even going so far as to fake propose (hence, "faux engagement") and then let me set a date and buy a dress, cashing in the Israeli bonds my now-deceased grandmother gave me as a little girl to pay for it. I didn't intend to upset +1 (at that point I didn't even know she read my blog), but I suppose my posts were a VERY loud warning signal as she watched another year of her relationship with OC pass by without a ring. They even broke up for a time because he couldn't say that he would definitely marry her. Been there, girl.

When OC told me about this, I wanted so badly to vent about it here. But I just couldn't write knowing what havoc it would wreak on both of their lives. Instead, I would see Only Child at our semiannual sushi dinner (his treat, it's the least he can do), and listen to his continued indecision and +1's understandable frustration. All the while feeling like I should get a Gold Star for my lack of chick pettiness.

I always advised him to get married; that it was obvious he was just hoping she would make the decision for him by breaking up (or getting knocked up) and that this was the coward's way out. I told him that he's not the type of guy who's able to let go enough to be swept off his feet. Lots of men aren't. That doesn't mean they shouldn't ever get married. Plus, she sounded like a lovely girl who's pretty, sweet, doesn't get on his case (certainly not as much as I did), and obviously loves him.

I meant it too. I thought he should marry her, which is funny since I'd always told him I would kill myself if he got married before me. I said this because I never in a million years thought that would happen. And because if it did happen, I might fall into the abyss of depression.

See why I haven't wanted to think about it?

Don't worry. I'm nowhere near close to suicidal. I'm not even sure if I'm down about it. I mean, what does it have to do with my life anymore? Only Child and I said we would always be "family" to one another no matter what, but really she's his family now. And talking twice a year does not exactly signify a close relationship. Plus, I decided at the end of last year that I am comfortable with Wine Guy's commitment to me and the lack of a by-the-book marriage proposal doesn't change that.

It wasn't until I sat down to write this post that I realized I wasn't particularly upset. I just thought I was supposed to be- just like I think I'm "supposed to" have an engagement ring to show that I'm loved.

I will admit, their getting married within days of our anniversary that never was (April 8) -- in the same f*#king location (North Shore Kauai) -- stung. But then again, that just shows a lack of imagination--one more reason I'm glad I didn't marry him.

So I guess the real point of this post comes down to one simple thing. Now that they're married, Only Child and +1 are fair game. So +1, if you're reading this, I hope you appreciate the restraint I've shown over the past few years--because now that you've marched OC down that aisle, you are no longer a comrade-in-arms.

I suppose this means that if Wine Guy ever does propose, I'm fair game too. I think I'll choose not to think about that right now.


April 10, 2010

Whine Guy

Three years. That's precisely how long Wine Guy was able to keep it from me--even after two years of living together. But this week, almost exactly three years from the night we met, I discovered his terrible secret:

When sick, Wine Guy is quite possibly the biggest asshole on the planet.

Let's give him credit; he's taken incredible care of me after my various surgeries and illnesses, which started only eight months after we met. He's been patient, dutiful, understanding.

So when he finally got sick this week (obviously a rare occurrence), I was eager to return the favor. I made him his favorite lentil soup, listened to his complaints and offered to help with anything he needed. But everything I put out there was met with the whiny hostility of a bratty 5 year-old boy. I had no idea.

I tried many times to let his rudeness roll off my back. At one point (while cooking him dinner), I went downstairs to cool off. While there, I decided the best way to remember that I didn't hate him would be to plan our 3rd anniversary night out at the wine bar/restaurant where we met (dinner's at 7pm tonight!). By the time I'd "invited" him via email, I was back in love -- only to return upstairs and have it start all over again. I mean, come on! It was just a bad cold!

By the time dinner was eaten and the kitchen was cleaned, I'd had enough. I announced that my duties were done and that I was choosing to opt out of his company for the rest of the evening because I didn't appreciate how he was treating me. When he finally realized I was serious, he coughed up an apology but--even days later when his phlegm has started to clear -- he still doesn't see what was so bad about his behavior.

When Wine Guy and I fight, I sometimes get a flash of panic: "Oh my God. He's a jerk. A total asshole. A fake. Just like Naval A-hole, I've been duped again." I call it PTSD of the relationship variety (and well-earned I might add).

But then I turn to my girlfriends and am reassured that he's really just being a typical man -- jerkiness and all. Not having a man around the house growing up, this is still hard for me to wrap my head around. Did all those respectable dads I so admired as a kid act like this? Really?

With a single mom at the head of my household, I saw multitasking and fortitude at its finest (though frazzled). What I didn't see was my mom crawling in to bed and whining, refusing to say what she wanted, and then rejecting what she got when I had to guess at it. She sucked it up and did the best she could. Most women do.

Is this the low standard of behavior we are forced to accept if we want to be in a relationship with a man? Every woman I've asked (happily married, divorced, single) says "Yep, pretty much."

Allow me to say this - I love Whine Guy. But I call Bullshit.

Happy 3rd Anniversary to us!