Hi readers (and apparently there still are some of you left, which is nice to know).
First of all, I'd like to thank those of you who've sent me kind emails and left thoughtful comments on my last post. It warms my heart to think about how total strangers can connect so legitimately through a venue like this. So thanks.
But I do feel the need to clarify a few things so you know where I am these days - and where I'm not.
The Harsh Comments
As far as I'm concerned, those come with the territory of putting my life out there on public (if anonymous) display. When they come, I read them over and then put them out of my mind. Sometimes this is easier than others (during my surgery recovery, this was quite difficult). I find it is especially easy to forget about a cruel comment (whether they meant it that way or not) if I don't respond directly to it. So that's why I rarely get into back-and-forth dialogues in the comments section. But everyone is entitled to their opinion (or venting or whatever) and that's why the comments section is open to anyone.
But that doesn't mean I don't take any critical comments to heart. My ears particularly perk up with the ones delivered in a compassionate way like "I know you may not want to hear this but what about considering......." Trust me, I can tell right off the bat who is just being vindictive and who is trying to offer helpful advice. I am always up for helpful critique and there have been plenty of times when I've thought long and hard about something someone said in my comments section - and sometimes even acted on it.
The Whole Truth
Your comments also reminded me that you don't know the whole story about my relationship with Wine Guy. In fact, there's a lot you don't know. Like the fact that we do talk about marriage -- a lot actually. And I pretty much know where we stand in that department (at least for now) and choose to stay just where I am for a reason - a good one actually. I love him. (Thanks Dark Cloud Nine for helping me remember that simple fact!)
This blog is not one long cohesive narrative (like it was in our first few months of dating). Once your relationship becomes immersed into the day to day of life, there really is no narrative anymore is there? Just life. So now I select moments, snapshots in time that I can focus on and explore in my writing. That's when I start digging around in my brain, trying to bring out the feelings that popped up in that moment - whether they were valid or not. Or whether I still feel them or not. Yes, the marriage thing looms large in my mind and becomes particularly dominant with certain triggers like a friend getting married (just happened) or having a baby (several just happened), or an ex getting engaged (my last two just did). So obviously this particular subject has been nagging at me a lot lately.
I was explaining this all to Wine Guy last night (I do tell him what I'm writing about and the reactions I get from you guys) and he helped me brainstorm about how to explain what it is I am putting out there for the world to read. We were both film studies majors in college and we couldn't help but recall all those 1960s film theorists who talked about how the frame of a camera removes the viewer from the context of a situation and re-envisions another reality within its own frame. More times than not, the reality of the moment has little to do with what the camera ultimately captured-- and what the editor decided to do with it.
That's kind of what's going on here. I choose the moments that spoke to me, and capture them within the lens of my mind (often a very effective distortion device) Then I edit, adapt, revise - until there's a story that I've crafted to share with you. It's all true, but it's not Truth. If that makes any sense.
So I guess that's why those harsh comments don't bother me that much (at least no longer than a few minutes). Because the people that come in and start making judgments about what they think is my life, aren't really seeing the whole picture. Only I know the entire Truth, and even that is skewed! So let them vent. Let them judge. If it makes them feel better fine. If you or I get something out of it too, even better.
Quitting the Blog
I consider it from time to time, mostly because I've been busy with some freelance writing and, combined with the writing I do all day at work, the blog starts to feel more like a chore than a hobby. But when I do find some time to sit down and write (like right now on my lunch break), I feel a sense of relief that no other writing gives me. So for now I think I'll keep it going, just knowing that I won't be updating as frequently as I'd like.
Thanks again to my friends out there. And to those of you who aren't my biggest fans, the comment box will always be there, whether you are or not.