Note: The "Trooper" in question is not actually in the military. It's a metaphor, people.

March 28, 2008


Ever since Wine Guy and I decided to move in together I'm paying a lot more attention to my belongings. And to his too. We own way too much stuff and when you lump it together that makes two of everything. Like just about everyone, we need to pare down. Which can be a good thing I know, but the question looms - whose stuff makes the cut?

Last night we were sitting on the couch and the subject came up yet again, harmlessly at first.

Me: "I need to make a list of all the stuff I want to sell on Craig's List in the next few weeks."

Him: "Yeah, like the TV stand."

This one I agree with, but immediately I can feel both of our eyes wandering in some sort of race to see what else will be declared a losing piece of furniture. I jump first.

Me: "I like my table. We should keep the table."

Him: "It's too old fashioned looking. Mine is more modern."

Me: "Yours is boring. I want mine."

Awkward pause, and we move on.

Me: "But the coffee table and side tables are good. We should keep those."

And on we go. This happens a lot nowadays. To be honest, I don't care all that much. Almost everything I own furniture wise is a hand-me-down from Only Child anyway. I'm happy to start fresh and build a home that's "ours" with Wine Guy. But if this is true (it is), then why do I think so much about what I don't want to give up? Then it occurs to me and, in my typical blabbermouth fashion, I say it to Wine Guy just as I think it.

"You know, the only reason I think about all this is because I worry that if we ever broke up, I would have nothing left."

Judging by the look on his face and the time he took to reply, I don't think this thought had crossed his mind.

"You can have my stuff if that happens."

"But do you think that's going to happen?"

"Uh, I wasn't planning on it, no."

Now I feel bad, but this is an important realization for me. Why am I walking around deep down assuming we will break up? That this whole relationship 'next step' is really yet another false start, another joke played on me?

Wine Guy calls me on it, "You know, if you walk around thinking these negative things, you could end up manifesting them. Making them happen."

Normally I would be defensive and deny, deny, deny. But something about his tone, the quiet night, the comfort of it all....I actually heard what he said. And I got it.

"You're right."

So I am going to focus on letting go (oh yeah, that was my New Year's motto wasn't it?). Not just of my dining room table and my desk but my deep rooted fears and beliefs that this relationship will fail. Can a born pessimist change? Damn, I hope so. Wish me luck.



mimi of 'sexagenarian and the city' said...

WG is so right -- as is your wiser self. Don't Think That Way! You have to train yrself out of that habit. This one is going to work. When in doubt, reread your own (!) post about arguing, when you talked to the other couple and saw that they didn't consider their fights signs of doom but just as temporary obstacles to getting along.

sorry i'm not more articulate, but only one cup of coffee so far today.

kristin said...

I agree. Take your cue from WG, if he isn't freaking out about moving in then neither should you (he is a GUY after all). And he doesn't seem to be hedging his bets. My spouse had his stuff in storage for two years while we tried out cohabitation-- and you guys are ready to sell shit! Deep down you know it's the real thing.

Xweing said...

Yeah! Why did you walk into a relationship without thinking about walking down the aisle with him in the first place?

Can't imagine...

Melissa said...

Aw -- that's about the sweetest thing I've ever heard. "You can have my stuff..." Another thing that could be going on is every time you give away something you own, you may be afraid you're giving up part of yourself. You know, like your furniture is a metaphor for yourself. Either way, I think you're doing the right thing. You're choosing this relationship, so there's no "giving away" of yourself. (But I'm all for buying NEW things together -- that would be ideal.) Have fun!

Samantha said...

I think it's normal to feel the way you do, it's like a habit of self-preservation. Just as long as you are aware of it and can let it go as it happens, I think that's just fine.

Cara said...

Good luck.

Melissa said...

Hi- first time poster here- I just moved in with my bf- fortunately I had the house and furniture so I didn't have that issue, but I can relate to the nervousness- we just bought a tv together and he said I can have it if we get "divorced." Good luck- to both of us.

Michele said...

Us born pessimist ... and I know because I am one ... can change but we really need someone around us 24/7 reminding us to be positive. My hubbie is very positive and it makes me sad when he is not positive because I know it's me rubbing off on him. Just make sure more of Wine guy rubs off on you than the other way around. I think us pessimists have a way of bringing down the house if you know what I mean : ) Besides, why not just assume everything is going to be great ... no harm in that right : )