Ever since Wine Guy and I decided to move in together I'm paying a lot more attention to my belongings. And to his too. We own way too much stuff and when you lump it together that makes two of everything. Like just about everyone, we need to pare down. Which can be a good thing I know, but the question looms - whose stuff makes the cut?
Last night we were sitting on the couch and the subject came up yet again, harmlessly at first.
Me: "I need to make a list of all the stuff I want to sell on Craig's List in the next few weeks."
Him: "Yeah, like the TV stand."
This one I agree with, but immediately I can feel both of our eyes wandering in some sort of race to see what else will be declared a losing piece of furniture. I jump first.
Me: "I like my table. We should keep the table."
Him: "It's too old fashioned looking. Mine is more modern."
Me: "Yours is boring. I want mine."
Awkward pause, and we move on.
Me: "But the coffee table and side tables are good. We should keep those."
And on we go. This happens a lot nowadays. To be honest, I don't care all that much. Almost everything I own furniture wise is a hand-me-down from Only Child anyway. I'm happy to start fresh and build a home that's "ours" with Wine Guy. But if this is true (it is), then why do I think so much about what I don't want to give up? Then it occurs to me and, in my typical blabbermouth fashion, I say it to Wine Guy just as I think it.
"You know, the only reason I think about all this is because I worry that if we ever broke up, I would have nothing left."
Judging by the look on his face and the time he took to reply, I don't think this thought had crossed his mind.
"You can have my stuff if that happens."
"But do you think that's going to happen?"
"Uh, I wasn't planning on it, no."
Now I feel bad, but this is an important realization for me. Why am I walking around deep down assuming we will break up? That this whole relationship 'next step' is really yet another false start, another joke played on me?
Wine Guy calls me on it, "You know, if you walk around thinking these negative things, you could end up manifesting them. Making them happen."
Normally I would be defensive and deny, deny, deny. But something about his tone, the quiet night, the comfort of it all....I actually heard what he said. And I got it.
So I am going to focus on letting go (oh yeah, that was my New Year's motto wasn't it?). Not just of my dining room table and my desk but my deep rooted fears and beliefs that this relationship will fail. Can a born pessimist change? Damn, I hope so. Wish me luck.