Note: The "Trooper" in question is not actually in the military. It's a metaphor, people.

January 25, 2008

Falling in Trust

Not that I wish harm to any of you, but I now firmly believe that everyone should have at least some experience with limited mobility, especially in a wheelchair. I can't begin to tell you how your perspective changes when someone is wheeling you through the world and all you see are people's waists and legs and potential obstacles coming your way. When people do make eye contact with you, it's usually with a tinge of pity and a shy smile. I don't get upset because, well, I did the same thing not too long ago.

I will never see the world the same since I began taking wheelchair outings with Wine Guy and other generous friends willing to push me around for an afternoon so I could get out of the house. You have to rethink everything - where you sit in a restaurant, going to the bathroom, trying on clothes, shopping in general, opening doors, elevator locations - a major pain!

But the weirdest experience of all came last Monday when my friend Big A took me to the mall. I normally f*$king hate the mall but it was the only "activity" I could think up for us with the wheelchair since it was raining that day. It ended up being a perfect choice because the aspect of malls I can't stand (namely the people who frequent them) were literally above me, while I got to slink through on wheels down below. Luckily my friend has a 2 year old and is quite accustomed to pushing a person around all day so she wasn't too inconvienicned either. Which leads me to the craziest part of the day - being at eye level with the little kids being pushed around in strollers. Every time I would come upon one, their eyes would bug out at me in surprise, as if to say, "What are YOU doing down here? You're a grown up?!" I would respond with a goofy face, just to freak them out a little more. Just another secret world I have been let into during this thankfully temporary handicapped phase of mine.

But on to the "Dating" part of this blog. I've had a major realization about love and how different my feelings are for Wine Guy than for any other guy in the past. What's the realization? Well, for the past few months I've been scared that Wine Guy would bail on me the second things got tough. I was sure that this surgery and all the recuperation and care I would need would have him running for the hills. All of this goes hand in hand with my deeply rooted fear that no man would every really go out of his way for me. If it isn't easy, he'll bail. So my pattern has been to avoid asking them for help, just to keep it easy enough that they'll stay. Well, I knew I couldn't do that this time around and I was scared my fears would indeed become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Damn, was I wrong. Wine Guy has gone above and beyond and shown me he has no intention of going anywhere. He's been supportive, loving, helpful, tolerant...all that stuff. And the most important part is that I finally started to let him be these things. I'm sure nothing bothered him more than all the inherent distrust I was projecting towards him as the surgery date came closer. He did nothing to deserve that distrust and I'm sure it hurt. But once they put me under and sliced open my hip, there was no room for bullsh*t fears --I just plain needed him. And he was just plain there.

So, what's my realization about love? Love is Trust.

So I guess I can say that I've "Fallen in Trust" with Wine Guy. And now I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can give back to him and make him feel the same sense of security and warmth. A contest in generosity I suppose. I'm game.

This weekend he is joining me, my mom, my brother Pat-hole and his wife on a trip to the local mountains where my brother has rented a beautiful cabin. There will be lots of snow, a warm fire and yummy food. I know Wine Guy is a tad scared of so much time with my brother (he is under the impression my brother wants to go hunting with him - I have no idea why since my brother has never hunted a day in his life), but I think he will be pleasantly surprised to see that my normally high-strung sibling is quite peaceful and almost pleasant when he escapes to the mountains.

By next weekend I hope to leave my mom's and relocate to Wine Guy's place which is much closer to my house too. I could probably go to my house directly but I can tell that WG really wants to take care of me and, now that I'm in Trust with him, I'm going to let him do just that.

Have a great weekend everyone. Dismissed.


Nicole said...

Ahhh... what sweet things to say about Wine Guy. Sounds like you've really grown up as a result of this surgery. You are learning to trust and that's a really hard thing to learn.

Glad you're on the road to recovery - from both the surgery and from all the non-Wine Guys who put your state of mind where it was before.

mimi of sexagenarian and the city said...

aw, gee, i can't say smartass things after i read yr posts these days -- i'm always in tears. it's wonderful to hear everything you have to say. have a terrific time in the mountains. xx mimi
but ps i love the idea of your freaking out the kids in strollers w. goofy faces. that's adorable.

Michele said...

I'm so glad everything is going well and Wine Guy is taking good care of you : )

Dating Trooper - Dating is Warfare said...

Thanks guys! I am pretty glad there are some good things coming out of this whole experience (besides a healthier hip)! Mimi, don't hold ass comments are always welcome ;-)

Samantha said...

" deeply rooted fear that no man would every really go out of his way for me. If it isn't easy, he'll bail. So my pattern has been to avoid asking them for help, just to keep it easy enough that they'll stay."

Hi, are we the same person? I couldn't have said it any better myself. Anyways I'm happy that you are ont he road to recovery AND that you are developing a deeper level of trust with WG. Hopefully I'll follow in your lead someday...

Loverville said...

WOW -- really well said!

I have to admit, I got a bit misty-eyed reading this! I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Wine Guy ROCKS!

Keep up the good recovery, and keep those stories coming!

lizriz said...


"Falling in Trust" - *Love* that.