Wine Guy and I will hit our six month "anniversary" one week from tomorrow. I can already feel myself having a nervous breakdown - just like I did right before our three month mark.
Apparently, relationship milestones scare the crap out of me. I think it's that whole "how things are supposed to be" versus how they actually are. I must have read too many Cosmo relationship columns when I was a preteen or something because no matter how realistic (sometimes cynical) I am when it comes to my love life, I still deep down think that someday it will be all roses and valentines. And when it inevitably isn't, I jump to the most immediate conclusion - this relationship must be over.
At our three month mark, I was dealing with the "are we right for each other" doubts because I must have read somewhere that, by this point, you should know if you're compatible enough to continue dating.
Thank God we survived that bout of bickering, caused mostly by my hyper-focused analyses of our every interaction. Since then it's been pretty much smooth sailing. We are growing closer, learning more about each other (the good and the bad) and even making plans as far ahead as New Year's Eve (we're taking a 10-day holiday road trip to visit his older sister and parents).
All was fine in reality and in my head (what an accomplishment, I know). Fine, that is, until I realized that our six month mark was approaching and we still haven't said "I love you."
Several friends I've shared this news with were quite surprised. Frankly, I'm surprised too. It's not that we haven't discussed it in a semi-ridiculous roundabout way, because we have. He knows I have issues with saying it first after getting burned doing just that in my past two relationships. This time around I want the guy to be the one who is so inspired by his feelings that he must confess his love.
That's certainly how I felt in the past when I uttered those words for the first time. It's an almost overwhelming, unstoppable sensation. Like the words must be spoken or you'll die. This can be wonderful and exciting if you are confident the other person will say it back.
I've had this overwhelming sensation to say these words to Wine Guy for the past two months. But unlike my previous relationships, this time I held my tongue. I want to know that he's not saying it back just to be polite.
He knows all of this. And he still hasn't said it.
What is my gut telling me? Well, if it could talk it would say, "Of course he loves you, idiot! He's pretty much said so. He's just toying with you because he knows you're waiting for it. You know how much he loves to tease you!" (He does love to tease me, as do many of my friends. I am apparently very fun to tease because, like a typical youngest child, I get easily riled up. Annoying.)
For the last three months I've been quietly accepting my gut's opinions. But with this next milestone approaching, I'm remembering something. My gut has the worst instincts on the planet. It's been wrong several times before and, frankly, I'm still kind of pissed at it.
So now what? Is he waiting for the right moment to declare his love when I'd least expect it? Or is he just stalling because he still doesn't know how he feels about me? If it's the former then he's just being a pain in the ass and obviously doesn't understand how important this is for me. If it's the latter, well, then we need to have a serious talk because, according to the relationship guide that is mysteriously implanted in my head, at six months you should know. Especially when you are 34 years old and hearing that damn maternal clock ticking away every second.
But things don't seem that ominous, at least at the moment. We just got off the phone and he's ridiculously excited about our big holiday road trip to see his family - three and half months from now. He's already mapped out the route, calculated the cost of gas, and decided what wines he'll bring for Christmas dinner. Doesn't that say something?
If only my gut had a better track record.