Note: The "Trooper" in question is not actually in the military. It's a metaphor, people.

October 27, 2007

A Dubious Legacy

One of my favorite things to do on a slow day is visit my site tracker stats and see how people are finding my blog, including the different Google word searches that lead to my various posts. I've been doing this long enough now that I've noticed a few patterns - one inspires me and another, well, I can't decide if I should be proud or terribly embarrassed. I'll leave that up to you to decide.

We'll start with the first one. The typical keyword search is something like this:
"guy disappears after three months of dating."

I can't tell you how many variations on this I have seen so far.
"guy stops calling"
"guy blows me off"
"he won't call me back"

I know from my own experiences how common themale disappearing act is and I've shared these experiences with you before (see the Invisible Man and the terrible tale of Naval A-hole). Which is why these sad, desperate Google searches are leading women to my blog. I can so easily picture the woman sitting at her computer, tears welling up in her eyes, phone sitting silently beside her as she kills time online in search of some words of comfort. It was going so well, wasn't it? What did I do to scare him off? I know he's busy, but if he really wanted to talk to me, he'd find the time to call, right?

I know you've been there. It sucks. My friend Mendoza Line came up with the perfect term for this: The Sucking Vortex. I can just picture the guy in question desperately trying to get to the phone to call me. But he can't because he's trapped inside this beast, this sucking vortex -- where he can stay forever as far as I'm concerned. Judging from my research so far, he certainly has plenty of company in that cozy little vortex.

When I think of how these women are finding my blog, I feel somewhat inspired. Perhaps reading about my similar experiences helps them put their misery in perspective. Perhaps not, but I like to think so. Of course, every time I see another one of these search terms on my stat report, I also lose a little faith in men too.

OK, on to the second pattern that leaves me a little less inspired. The search terms go something like this:
"Dating she farted"
"my date has lactose intolerance and farts"
"farting in my sleep"

The frequency of this genre of search terms is astounding, so clearly the public outing of my humiliation (see Night of Terror) is meeting some need. In my experience, getting that awful gaseous moment out of the way in a relationship is about as significant as having "the talk." Hopefully it's a moment that inspires laughter. But I suspect for many it is mortifying. so I'm glad that my writing is helping ease some of that pain.

But really, is this my legacy?
Really?
Oy.

Dismissed.

8 comments:

Sonny Amou said...

Pretty funny, glad to have you back among the Beautiful People, trooper.

Maybe you could possibly deliberately misspel the words that might direct the embarrassing searches? It's kinda like how a good friend of mine and I swap emails, and we deliberately misspel expletives (or bleep them out - f***). She always spells s*** as shyt, for example.

Off the top of my head. Probably a better idea out there - or not, who knows, maybe the gas was an inroad to creating faithful readers for the more serious posts.

KUTGW!

a&v said...

Oh that's too funny! I get a lot of hits for phone call related dilemmas, too.

(I also get hits for porn--one of my posts mentioned the word--and "eh guy," the moniker for one of my eHarmony matches and also a gay porn site. What a disappointment my blog must be to these passersby!)

Melissa said...

OK, you've inspired me to check my keyword searches.

Most Recent:

1. woman boogers car
2. hooters cavewoman
3. vomiting car seat

Most popular words:

1. breast petals
2. hair brush
3. pumpkin

Personal favorites:

1. nudie grandmas
2. how to get stepped on by high heeled boots
3. husbands in bras

Love it.

Nicole said...

LOL - I've been surfing blog sites and have added yours to my favorites. Think I'll add it to my blog too since it's always good for a laugh. Agreed about the "when I'm bored I check my site tracker" thing - I've only been bloggin a short while, so I don't have any of those fun patterns yet!

At least you can be assured of this - when those women land on your blog, regardless of whether they relate, they all laugh!

c.a. Marks said...

Well, with a blog title like mind I won't even tell you the "searches" that have come my way...you can imagine.

Anonymous said...

Hi! Love the blog! Did you know that your link to the "Invisible Man" post doesn't work?

Dating Trooper - Dating is Warfare said...

Thanks for the heads up anon...I fixed it in BOTH places!

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