Note: The "Trooper" in question is not actually in the military. It's a metaphor, people.

August 14, 2007

Pork Me, Please

My mom sent me this article from the New York Times about how women are starting to throw caution to the wind by ordering steaks and other red meat on dates. No more "I'll just have a salad" thank God!

Of course, I've already announced here that one of my primary motivations to date is not for the meat, but for the sushi. No, I'm not choosing raw fish to seem healthy, dainty or more feminine. My reasoning is simply this - sushi is my favorite food and, because of its price and the fact that I like good sushi as opposed to cheap sushi, it is a rare luxury. Sounds terrible I know, but if I'm (very likely) going to suffer through a torturous first date, I might as well eat something good, right?

I was discussing this article with Mendoza tonight and she told me about a date she had a few years back. While they were dining out, she was making conversation and said, "Yeah, I haven't dated in awhile." As she took a bite of her food which she described as "basically everything stinky and garlicky and yummy," he replied while gazing somewhat resentfully at her dish, "Uh, yeah. I can tell." A classic. (Yes, she gave me permission to share that story here, jeesh!)

I'm glad to hear (from the New York Times anyway) that other women are starting to buck the trend of toning down their dining preferences to possibly increase their chances with some guy they barely know.

Wine Guy was recently telling one of my friends about our first date (sushi, of course). I think he said something along the lines of, "When she ordered, I thought she would never stop. 'I'll have the caterpillar roll, spicy tuna roll, soft shell crab roll, two orders of salmon, two orders of tuna...." Yeah, I know. But, like I am at the zoo, I kind of get overly enthusiastic when ordering sushi. But the point here is not to talk about my ability to put away vomit-inducing amounts of food. No, the point is actually supposed to be that I am incapable of depriving myself just to impress a guy on a date.

But I should put an asterisk* on that last sentence because there is one food item I love that I am unable to order on a date (besides the lactose-laden ones that caused my Night of Terror). That food item? Pork.

I love pork in almost all forms (except bacon, for some reason). Pulled, shredded, ribs, chops, dim sum, twice cooked, loins...all are very tasty. Wine Guy and I joke that it's just not a true dining experience with me if no pork is on the table.

But I never order it on dates. Again, it's not because I'm trying to seem a certain way. It's simply because I cannot bring myself to say the word aloud in front of certain company. Pork. It gives me the willies.

Perhaps it's because I'm Jewish, although I'm not kosher and never have been. My mom has fed me pork since I can remember and we both love it. Granted, my grandma would be horrified to know this, but since she was 3,000 miles away in New York while I was growing up, it was just not considered taboo in my house.

I think perhaps it's the word itself and what it evokes in my slightly perverted mind. This is proven by the fact that if I'm sitting at a table with anyone I'm comfortable with (mom, friends, a boyfriend I've had longer than a few weeks), I can say the word to my heart's content. But sitting across the table from a guy where there is any unspoken potential for romantic and/or sexual awkwardness, I can't bring myself to say it. I know, it's juvenile.

Would I ever actually say yes to a date with a guy who was capable of instigating this exchange?
Me: "I'll have the pork loin please."
My date as the waiter takes my menu and leaves the table: "Heh, heh. You said pork. And loin. Heh, heh."

No, I have not dated Butthead or Beavis. But I probably "went steady" with him in middle school and it must still haunt me to this day.

Instead of porking out, I will sit at the table perusing the menu knowing the honey glazed pork chop is, without a doubt, what I want to order. But when that overeager waiter approaches the table, I'll say anything but, "I'll have the pork."

So, until Wine Guy and I were more established, I suffered with beef, chicken, noodles, shrimp, etc. But no pork. These days when Wine Guy and I dine, it's a veritable smorgasbord of pork-related menu items.

But I do still draw the line somewhere. Bacon-wrapped shrimp. Kosher or not, that is just basically giving God the finger as far as I'm concerned.

Dismissed.

6 comments:

Melissa said...

Could you point to what you wanted on the menu and say "I'll have this please.." ?

I never worried about what I ordered on dates and I ate like a porky -- I mean piggy -- also because I LOVE eating out and wasn't about the waste an opportunity.

However, I was always obsessed with whether or not I had food in my teeth or dangling from my lips. I was always wiping and sucking my teeth and checking my reflection. This is yet ANOTHER reason I checked out of the dating game early... Now that I'm married, I can just ask, "Are my teeth OK?"

Michele said...

From one Jew to another, shame on you girl. Stop eating the pig. It's a filthy, filthy animal! OK, I'm only joking, you can eat the filthy pork if you want : )

Dating Trooper - Dating is Warfare said...

I know, I know. But don't I get any credit for leaving out the bacon wrapped shellfish? Probably not, huh...

Mendoza Line said...

Perhaps God shouldn't have made bacon-wrapped shrimp so delicious then, huh?

Michele said...

Actually, my hubbie and I laughed for a long time after I told him what you said about the bacon wrapped shellfish. It gave us quite a visual : )

Xweing said...

"Pork loin"

Hahah... yea... I can relate to that... besides it's no use if you point to the waiter what u want, he'll just repeat "is this pork loin u want, miss?"

hahaha...

1 more thing i don eat on dates is chocolate brownies or choc cake or mudpie cos if im being unfortunate it just sticks to my teeth n looks so ugly when i grin.. hahah