Note: The "Trooper" in question is not actually in the military. It's a metaphor, people.

July 5, 2007

Downward spiral

This has been a rough week for just about everyone I know. Anniversaries of dead parents (one of mine included), sucky jobs, breakups, disagreements, lame mid-week holidays, pointless feels like everyone is on edge. Wine Guy (who is into astrology if I must remind you), says it's because Mercury is in retrograde. Whatever. Something's going on, so if that's what you want to call it fine. I just call it a "funk."

All of this to lead into the touchy subject - Wine Guy and I have been butting heads, fighting, clashing. I'm not sure exactly what's going on or why. At first I thought it all started during a recent trip to Target when I said, "Why don't I pick up a few things to keep at you place?" We'd discussed it earlier (packing every other day is a pain in the butt), and it didn't seem a big deal at all. So I got some face wash, moisturizer, a hairbrush, blow dryer, and - what probably was the kiss of death - tampons.

Actually, I would welcome it if that was, indeed, the problem - something solid I can put my finger on. "This relationship is moving too fast. We need to slow down." This I can understand and respond to. But, unfortunately, it's just not that simple.

I've been dreading putting it here in this blog for two reasons:
1) He may read it, or at least his friends might read it
and, more importantly,
2) I don't actually understand what the actual problem is.

If I don't understand it, how can I possibly explain it to a bunch of strangers (and friends, moms, ex boyfriends, etc) on a blog? So for now I'll just say this, it all feels like a big, jumbled cacophony of noise in my head.

One second I'm thinking, "He's being a jerk."
Then it's, "Why am I being such a whiner?"
Followed by, "Would it kill him to say please?"
Then, "I don't even know why he likes me."

The thoughts are like machine gun pellets - unceasing, one after the other. And I think he's feeling the same.

We did have some relatively insightful conversations the other day about whatever is going on and, to his credit, he claims a good portion of the responsibility. My gut says, "Damn straight it's your fault!" But in truth, I am reluctant to hand the blame entirely over to him, as I'm sure I'm playing a part in all of this. I mean, I bring enough baggage into this relationship to fill the back of a Humvee, so I'm sure I've got something to do with it! The problem is, what exactly?

One thing is very clear, our mutual insecurities are the guiltiest of the parties. I think he's losing interest. But when we talk it out, he claims just the opposite, saying he's only acting this way because he's worried and scared that I'm losing interest in him. Oy vay. It's exhausting.

So it's now a war between our lame-ass insecurities, which are based on everything but fact. And I think his might just win. They seem stronger than mine and, frankly, I am surprised by that. The whole time we've been dating, I've been thinking, "Wine Guy is so terrific. I'm lucky he likes me." So when I discover that he is holding onto such a sophisticated arsenal of insecurity ("She's so terrific, why does she even like me? She probably will lose interest soon"), I'm a bit shell shocked. I didn't see this coming at all.

So here we are, smack dab in the middle of an downward spiral of insecure bullshit. It makes me want to wave a white flag ferociously and scream "STOP!!!! Let's go back to when we both felt terrific about each other and ourselves! This is a complete waste of time and energy!"

A few weeks ago, probably when this downward spiral first kicked into motion, we had a moment of clarity. As we stood in the parking lot about to get into our separate cars and go home feeling bad for equally wrong reasons, I wrapped my arms around him, looked him in the eye and said, "This is lame. I'm feeding off of you and you're feeding off of me and, frankly, nobody's eating. So let's just stop it, clear the slate and start again."

He agreed, we smiled and kissed, and each drove back to his house to spend the rest of the evening together. But that didn't seem to stick. Can we stop the spiral? God, I hope so. Because I agree with you guys, Wine Guys sounds - and is - terrific. If only our little insecure demons (he calls them trolls) would get the f*ck out of the way.



About Melissa said...

I know you've mentioned before how each of you recognizes that the other has "baggage" of some kind. It sounds like you guys are beginning to deal with the baggage part of the relationship. It's not easy, which is why people avoid it. But you both seem like strong individuals who could grow by helping each other through this difficult time. Be kind to yourselves and each other. You're both wonderful people!

Anonymous said...

sometimes you just have to grow your wings on the way down

bailey said...

I would chalk it up to 'growing pains' and going from slowly getting to know someone to full-speed-ahead. Give yourself a break (and him too) in that there is so much else going on in your lives besides the development of your relationship that is stressful right now. I bet the two of you are handling all of that much better than most're both lucky!!

Loverville said...

Yeah -- what they said. I'm not very good at giving advice -- except that you two DO seem to have excellent communication with each other. At least you're talking this out, rather than holding it in and letting it fester til it bursts.

Hang in there. Keep talking. We're rooting for you.