Note: The "Trooper" in question is not actually in the military. It's a metaphor, people.

May 17, 2007

Sick Tricks on Me

It wasn't until I said it out loud that I realized just how sick and twisted my own mind can be. The idea that this is all some big joke - an elaborate ruse to get my hopes up - must have been lingering around for awhile now, but something came over me today that let it bubble to the surface.

I was telling my friend/co-worker D.I. (a sympathetic Veteran with her own blog worth checking out) about a particularly romantic email I got from Wine Guy today (it made me blush at my computer - he's done that to me twice now). I was telling her that it all seems almost too easy. We've both been so open about everything, especially our feelings for each other. Then I just blurted it out, "I keep thinking this is all too good to be true." It was actually a lot more intense of a worry than that, so I continued. "I actually had this thought that someone who's been reading my blog wanted to fuck with me so they sent Wine Guy to lure me in to this ideal relationship. And once he's got me, he'll dump me without even a second thought."

D.I. laughed, probably thinking I was kidding. But once it came out of my mouth, I realized I wasn't really kidding all that much. No - I don't actually believe that one of you is an evil schemer who would go to such great lengths to draft a talented actor to seduce me (though I can picture your evil, maniacal laugh as you read about my heartbreak in this blog). It was more of a subtle fear based on well, fact.

This is Naval A-hole I refer to, and after one year of a whirlwind romance/relationship, he blindsided me in a way that took me - and everyone in my life who met him - completely by surprise. To this day I have no explanation for why he went from "I love you more than anything" to never returning my phone calls and completely disappearing - within the time span of 3 days. The only suitable explanation I've been able to come up with since it happened (1 year and 8 months ago) is that he is an evil sociopath with not an ounce of compassion for anyone.

I know this sounds a bit too soap operatic and you're probably thinking "no wonder she hates men." Well, I don't hate men and it really was this bad. To be honest it took me a year before I could even discuss it casually, and now I can do so without crying or ending my sentences with "I wish I could kill that asshole." It's now just a cautionary tale and, frankly, a pretty interesting story.

Here it is: I meet a guy at a bar who seems ultra-perfect from the outset. Sweet (but not in the Eddie Haskell kind of way), generally attractive (but by no means hot enough to be cocky), smart and kind of geeky cute, friendly, sincere, lovable. Even my mom and all her yenta friends (most of whom are psychologists and very good judges of character) loved him. Nobody saw his disappearance coming. Not to mention his final piece of communication to me - a cryptic email sent after one week of radio silence that read "I'm not a good person. Best to forget me."

It was the heartbreak of a lifetime (God, I hope) and came pretty much right on the heels of a broken engagement to Only Child (he has yet to come up with a nickname for himself so this is what he gets) that everyone saw coming and was for the best. But it still hurt and it was one craphole of a year for this little Trooper.

All of this back story leads me back to my sick and twisted mind. I'm relieved that I stated this bizarre fantasy out loud. This transformed it into what it actually is - a remnant of my relationship past. If I'd kept it inside and unspoken, I suspect it would have continued to feel like a legitimate feeling and would likely have eaten away at my current state of excitedness over Wine Guy, or any guy for that matter.

I recall a conversation I had with Yacht Broker, the first guy I dated right after Naval A-hole. Yacht Broker was a perfect 'warm up' guy. No pressure, no demands, no potential for anything but having fun. That lasted about three months and we left it as it was meant to be - friends. After the relationship-ending talk was over, we started to chit chat and he said pretty bluntly, "It always felt like you were kind of suspicious of me." He didn't mean jealous or thinking he was cheating. He meant suspicious of his character. My response? "Well I was. I've been suspicious of everyone since the A-hole."

I've come an unbelievably long way since then and, until today, really thought I had exorcized that paranoia out of my system. Apparently not. Today's lunch excursion reminded me to stay vigilant (thank you Dubya) and keep my sick little mind in check. And that I should keep talking to my friends, no matter how twisted they may think I sound.



Melissa said...

Life conditions us--sometimes for good and, unfortunately, sometimes for bad. It's only human that you reacted to how you'd been treated. But your personal story reminds us that we have a brain, and we can change our reactions. Sometimes there's a big difference between our negative thoughts and reality. Talking with your friends is a great way to get to the truth. I admire your persisence in the face of a real A-hole. You are greater than he will ever be. :)

Anonymous said...

your thinking is not sick and twisted, it isnormal for someone who has post traumatic stress disorder. you just have to put in in check and not let it ruin this great relationship that you have going. Good luck and stay positive soldier!! Your prince will come.

Loverville said...

It's understandable for you to have walls up after a horrific experience like that. Did you ever speak to a therapist about that? Have you told Wine Guy about the A-hole?

Echoing what Anon wrote -- stay positive. It really does sound like Wine Guy is one of the good guys.

Dating Trooper - Dating is Warfare said...

Glad to know nobody thinks I'm a nut. Yes, I did definitely check in with a therapist for awhile after that experience (my mom, being a shrink, could only handle so much - especially since she wanted to kill A-hole even more than I did). It was pretty helpful and I think I can credit that with helping me identify messed up thinking when it pops up like it did the other day. Talk about a war wound! Thanks for everyone's support...if there was one thing I took away from that awful situation it was that friends are the best weapon you can have.

foxyscience said...

I have been absolutely freaking out lately about something that turned out to be baggage left by the last few people to pull a complete disappearing act on me.

Thank you for writing this, it helped me a lot.