Note: The "Trooper" in question is not actually in the military. It's a metaphor, people.

March 20, 2007

It's one button, dammit

Tonight I spent a little bit of time reading over my profile to see if I could find the paragraph where I say, "I'm looking for some schmuck to marry me and be the father of my children."

Not surprisingly, I can't find this sentence, or anything remotely like it. Overall my profile falls into the "normal but interesting" category. I have confirmed this with plenty of outside feedback as well, so it's not just my opinion.. So why then is nobody responding?

At first I thought it must be the pictures. So I informally surveyed a few friends and discovered that I might be better served by using a different, "sexier" photo as my primary.

I get it. Men are visual and need to be "lured" by their eyes right off the bat. No complaints from me. I switched pictures and waited for the responses to start rolling in. Like they did when I was 29.

So when THAT didn't happen, I noted the age thing. A large percentage of guys in my age range put their maximum cutoff age about 2 years below their own. Ridiculous. They won't even match their own age? Good God.

But most of the guys guilty of ignoring my emails claim to be looking for girls even a few years older than me. Are they lying in their own profiles? I don't see why they would, so I think I've ruled this reason out for the most part.

Then I think they just aren't getting my emails. Maybe I have some block set up on my account I don't know about. After some tooling around in my account settings, I see I'm in the clear and fully activated (this is especially important if I want to qualify for's "Get your second 6 months free if you don't find the love of your life in the first 6 months" guarantee that I'm bound to be in need of in a few short months.

Then I go to what I call the "Narcissism" page to see who's viewed my profile. It feels somewhat gratifying to see that my profile has been viewed 846 times. That is, until I see who's been looking. Old combover guys from places like Las Vegas and Beverly Hills. And greased up guys that email at least 10 different girls a day and begin every email with, "Hey beautiful," and misspell just about everything else after that. Then there's the serial killer looking guy from Oklahoma and the military guy from Virginia.

And then I see him - Mr. Wonderful. Nice smile, funny but sincere profile, over 6' tall and "spiritual but not religious." Maybe even throws in a well-chosen Seinfeld or Office Space quote. Everything I've been looking for.

But when I look a little closer at the profile, it seems oddly familiar. And then I realize. I emailed him already. And he never responded. This is what has happened 95% of the time (the other 5% is not worth going into I assure you).

So my uncanny skills of deduction lead me to this sad conclusion: He got the email. He read the email. He looked at my profile. He chose not to respond.

Whatever excuses that may fall in between these short sentences is irrelevant. He's dating someone. He isn't a Match. com member. His computer's broken. None of it matters because the one thing he didn't do was respond, not even with the most insincere form of rejection available at his disposal- the supplied "No Thank You"button. Even with this pathetic excuse for a reply, you can feel somewhat better knowing that your email registered on some small level to at least inspire him to make the terribly exhausting effort of hitting a button.

OK, I'm WAY over dramatizing. Actually I don't take it personally at all. It means nothing. It's on line dating for God's sake. So what if almost every woman (that I like anyway) admits she almost always hits the "No Thank you" button. Maybe not out of sympathy for the guy, but because she knows how much it sucks when someone does the same to her.

But who cares why? The fact is it is just laziness. Is it a gender thing? I won't go that far, but if this pattern continues I'm going to have to start applying those amazing deduction skills of mine and make some unflattering conclusions about the male species.

In the words of one fellow Trooper, "It's one Button, Dammit. Just push one Goddamn Button!"

Oh, the man update. I went on two dates in the last three days. One with a guy I met playing shuffleboard at a bar (a corral of wild animals?). Another with the Jewish Dr. of my mother's dreams. One was fine, the other better than fine but with an awkward ending (a handshake? really?!).

For those of you who don't know me personally, take note. The less I say about a guy after a date, the more I like him. So when you get a short update like the above, be suspicious. Another immediate clue that I like him is how many times I end a sentence about the guy with a "We'll see" and shrug of the shoulders intended to convey nonchalance but is really nothing but a load of crap.



Anonymous said...

Hit the freaking button! As a past (and probably future) user of, and as a fellow dating trooper, my experiences ditto those in this blog. Lack of responses…yep, got them (or should I say “lack there of them”). Invisible man…yep, have had many of them. (I wonder if there is some sort of invisible man convention where they learn different tricks for disappearing.). Crush on a man in the wild…yep, got one of them too. (Over the holidays I urged a girlfriend to give her number to a guy in Starbucks that was flirting with her…at my urging she did so and they have been dating ever since. Is this a lesson to be leaned?)

Common guys, is it really that painful to just hit the freaking button? I don’t know why they don’t, but one of my own theories is they want to keep all their balls in play. You know, if they don’t hit the button they can always come back and respond later. (Not that this has happened to be, but it seemed like a good theory!)

Is it just me or do others find comfort in the fact that the same things are happening to other nice girls? Call me crazy but I definitely find comfort in numbers!

Anonymous said...

I had no idea there was such a button,--how incredibly easy to be ever-so-slightly polite!?! I can't believe it, but in the past year I got many a "that sounds/seems mean" when I've asked for the straight-up from the DB. So...this is some on-line version of sparing the pseudo-mean? I'd definitely rather get the button than the nuttin'!

coffeesnob said...

i've lived among humans most of my life, and if there's one thing i've noticed about them it's that they'll do anything to avoid socially awkward situations. like telling someone they're not interested them. you may think it stinks (i won't argue), but that's just the way it is.

ps. top of the muffin to you.

Dating Goddess said...

I've pondered over this lack of response myself so have asked my midlife male dating buddies. It seems the common reason is they don't want to hurt the woman's feelings by saying they aren't interested. I've asked people who read my blog if they'd prefer a "thanks, but no thanks" response or nothing, and believe it or not, there are people who think no response is best. Go figure.

Thanks for listing my blog, Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 in your blogroll! And you should know I cover a lot of this online dating stuff in my book, Winning at the "Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor."

Dating Goddess

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