Note: The "Trooper" in question is not actually in the military. It's a metaphor, people.

February 5, 2007

It's Not Fun....It's War

Fellow Soldiers and Veterans,
This is the inaugural post on my Dating is Warfare blog. Exactly what I intend to share with anyone who reads this is unclear. I first thought of starting a blog last fall when my friend Mendoza Line sent me hers. It's intended for her friends and family to kind of keep up with her adventures in California. It was was clever, charming, cute (I'm a sucker for her dog) and actually worth checking out, even though I do talk to her everyday.

I quickly realized that simply the act of turning on the computer at home felt immediately like work. I made a feeble attempt with a few journal-like posts and some pictures where I thought I looked cute, just in case an eligible, attractive man happened upon it. Then I thought, "Who the hell would want to read this?! I don't even want to read it!" So I took a break and left the blog here to rot.

But tonight - almost six months later - it hit me in the shower. I was soaping up while going over and over and over in my head the countless possible reasons why this latest guy disappeared on me. And this after a perfect first date teeming with potential, followed the next day by an encouraging email exclaiming "Any girl that hates the mall, hates the phone, has my mom's middle name, shows me naked baby porn pictures of herself, and is Jewish is alright in my book!" And let's not forget his promise to bring me a souvenir from his leaving-the-next morning for Hong Kong on a 10 day work trip.

I waited patiently and excitedly for 13 days. Finally a phone message was received (done entirely in the character of an aging Rabbi Mandelbaum and consisting of no actual content other than being funny), along with a quick email that included pictures from his trip. Several of these pictures included Rabbi M. posed alongside some Chinese colleagues and an attractive, young female coworker he had told me was joining him on her first trip abroad. (I know, I know. But it seems just a little too obvious, doesn't it?!)

I returned his call immediately and left him a happy, encouraging message with a request for him to call me back. I then emailed him back immediately with a short "Great pictures!" email and an easily detected hint as to when I would be home to receive his sure-to-come phone call that night.

That was six days ago and I haven't heard from him since.

A fellow Soldier insisted I do not call him again under any circumstances. "If you're complaining about what he's NOT doing for you, then go find someone else who WILL do something for you." Then I called another friend (about to become a Veteran I suspect) who said, "Call him. You only get one chance in this life so why the hell not? You can't just toss someone aside because he didn't call you back." I wanted to listen to the Veteran. I want to be a Veteran too.

So I sent him an email first thing this morning. Quick, light ("breezy") and honest. "What's up? I was hoping to hear from you this weekend. Hope you're OK? Let me know if you want to grab a drink sometime."

Translation: "I'm casual here. Not mad at all! But I am disappointed you didn't call me, especially since you gave me every indication you were going to call and ask me out again. In fact, it seems so odd that perhaps I'm being hasty in feeling disappointed and instead should be worried that maybe something happened to you. So...here is where I am. No matter what the reason for your disappearnce, I'm interested. So you have a 48 hour grace period beginning right now. If you call me and ask me out within this time period, I'll say yes and be happy about it. If not, don' t bother calling."

I assure you, if I can muster up the strength to power up my computer again, it will be to report something relatively significant from the battlefield. So I suggest you check back from time to time. Whether you are a Soldier like me (I'll explain this theory more in my next posting), or if you are a Veteran and happily taking a break while the baby is sleeping and your husband is checking out Internet porn in his home office, I think you will want to check this out again. There might even be pictures and a few slightly embarrassing details about men I hope never find this blog. Just as a teaser, here's a picture that Rabbi M. sent in his very last (and third) email to me. It's him enjoying his romp in Hong Kong sometime between our fantastic first date and - well, whatever happened to him after that.


One of two things will happen if I'm successful with my rantings here:
1) You'll either feel a little bit better knowing that someone else is in the trenches with you.
or
2) You'll thank God they don't have the Draft anymore.

Dismissed.

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