Note: The "Trooper" in question is not actually in the military. It's a metaphor, people.

February 21, 2007

"Based on my tarot card reading..."

I think you will agree that my title today is not a promising way to begin any sentence. And it certainly is no way to create a strategic battle plan. Despite all of this, I found myself starting a recent journal entry that very same way (yes, I do save my true, inner ramblings for illegible, serial killer scrawl within the pages of my bedside journal). I knew as I was writing that it sounded ridiculous (I even made a witty parenthetical note about it immediately after writing it), but I also was aware that what was to follow these silly words was something powerful that could change my life.

Based on my tarot card reading....I am going to have to get a lot more strategic in my dating life.

Duh. Any dumb ass could have --or should have --thought of this already without the aid of a tarot-card reading friend. Nevertheless, that is how I apparently needed to figure it out.

I've been going at this husband searching thing so half-assed. I've been focusing on what I don't have or am not getting instead of setting a goal for what I want and then strategizing how to get it. (And yes, I'm well aware this applies to just about every aspect of my life - particularly my career. But this is not a career blog is it?)

So now comes the scariest question...."What the hell do I want?"
Not what my friends have, or what society tells me I'm supposed to have. What do I actually want? I've been sitting on this for days now, and I think I'm getting close.

Here is the list to date (no pun intended):

1. To find love and get married. Note the "find love" part. I already know I won't settle for the "get married" part without the "find love" part.

2. Have at least one child.

3. The guy has to be at least my height (5'9"), and that's even pushing it.

OK. So these first three are absolutely non-negotiable. The remainder of the list is where I'm struggling. How much of a deal breaker is the rest of it? If he's really great, would I bend these rules? Should I? Here they are:

4. Must have a solid and proven (meaning I have seen it myself on more than one occasion) group of friends. No loners.

5. Must have a college degree. Wildly successful businessmen with demonstrated ability to accomplish long-term goals are the only exception.

6. Financially stable. Note: not rich. But able to manage money and make more than me (that's not that hard is it!?). Home and/or condo ownership a bonus.

7. Likes animals and is not opposed to owning at least one cat and one dog simultaneously.

8. Does not want more than 2 kids. That's my max (imposed by my clearly understood patience level and low tolerance for noise, and my biological clock).

9. Does not play video games on a regular basis. If he owns an XBox or anything like it, he must demonstrate to me that he only takes it out when one specific friend from back east comes to visit. (Extra points if he can't resist a stand-up Galaga machine though).

10. Has at least one of the following qualities (but by no means no more than two): organized, plans ahead,good time manager, efficient, energetic, punctual.

11. As for religion he can fall into only the following categories: Jewish (no more than Reformed, or maybe a very liberal Conservative), agnostic, spiritual but not religious, atheist but doesn't think people who do believe in God are stupid, Christian by birth but doesn't really think Jesus Christ is the son of God, Buddhist, Taoist, any nature based religion. Basically if you think Jesus is the Savior, or are a Mormon, Muslim or Satanist, you're not my dream guy. But God bless ya....

There are still a few areas where I haven't made up my mind. These are:

a) Ethnicity - I suppose white-ish (define that someone?), but just because this would mean we might be able to avoid a lot of hot-button issues that are hard enough even when you aren't married to each other. But would I turn down a great man because of it? No way. So I guess this is not a deal breaker, but a yellow caution light.

b) Owns a motorcycle and is very passionate about it. I wouldn't or couldn't make a guy give up one of his passions just because I can't handle the 99% certainty he'll get in an accident.

c) Wants to ultimately end up settled somewhere God-awful. Like Floribama or Podunk, Nebraska.

d) Workaholic - When I'm with him he's fantastic and he earns a ton of money for us to potentially spend. But he never gets any time to spend it.

e) Has terrible fashion sense and is resistant to suggestions. At the very least he needs to have cool taste in shoes.

f) Has children. I think that is a BIG "it depends" but I might be able to qualify it by saying he can only have one kid, be on good terms with the ex, and be a good father. No, "Oh yeah I have a kid but he's hardly ever around so don't worry about it." Yes, I have heard that before and it is NOT a plus.

g) Family problems. Do I really have a right to go there? Well, I think I can qualify again here: Has a messed up family and DOESN'T KNOW IT, or know how to handle it.

h) Thinks therapy is absolutely a joke and huge waste of time and money.

So that's as far as I've gotten. Perhaps you've learned surprising new things about me (like I'm a racist, materialistic, baby hungry wench? Hopefully not). Or maybe you learned something about yourself. Or you're just thanking God you are off the market and don't have to think about this shit anymore.Either way, I will try to consult this list along the way to make sure I'm staying true to my word.

Oh, the man update if you care:

Rabbi M. - We spoke soon after I persuaded him via email. He was flippant and kind of a jerk. Asked me to do something that weekend but he seemed noncommittal and a bit hostile about it. I emailed him the next day to cancel saying I had forgotten about a birthday party I had to go to (true). As expected, he never contacted me again to reschedule. I was relieved.

Blind Date - I wish I had given him my exit survey so I would know whey I never heard from him again. Guy - Yes, I just joined (partially for more material for my blog:-). We have a "just drinks" first date next week. He sounds nice. What the heck else can I say at this point?



kristin said...

Have you read "The Secret" by chance? I wholeheartedly approve of your list of specifications!

coffeesnob said...

why stop there? with all these stipulations and clauses and sub-clauses i was beginning to think i was reading a hollywood studio contract.

#9. in moments of crisis or high stress i occasionally make the "challenging stage" music from galaga, just for fun.

#11. spiritual but not religious = airhead.

#h. whoever mr ineligible is, he's right. therapy is a huge self-indulgent joke and a waste of money.

#1 is airtight and deserves primo listing.

coffeesnob said...

so let's see... you'd prefer him to be jewish (but not too jewish), organised (but not too organized), keen on children (but not too keen)... hmm, a pattern seems to be forming watson.

i'm not picking on you. just enjoying this post.